But If You Close Your Eyes
by MoonyAndDogStar
Summary: Bucky is recovering from HYDRA's brainwashing, but he slips into nightmares. And sometimes The Winter Soldier comes back, and Bucky hates himself for being a threat. But hates even more the fact that he hurts those he loves.


You had known Bucky for a little over a year. Ever since Steve had brought him back to the Avengers tower, you had grown quite close to him. You were there to help him when he had first arrived and you had been one of the first people he had trusted. He had mostly recovered from the brainwashing Hydra had performed but he occasionally slipped into nightmares while he slept. During those, you were there to bring him back, safe and sound, to the real world. You had to make sure he didn't hurt himself or anyone else for that matter. He could be dangerous when he slipped back into his Winter Soldier persona.

On this particular night, you had stayed up late with Bucky, watching horror movies, laughing, and making a giant mess with the popcorn. You were propped up on the couch, leaning against your friend's remaining good arm with your head resting on his shoulder. Steve had been watching the movies with you but he had left around midnight and headed off to bed. You and Bucky continued your marathon until you started getting tired and slowly fell asleep.

"Did you see that?! That guy is going to get it!" Bucky laughed, grabbing another handful of popcorn.

When you didn't answer, he looked down and noticed you were asleep. A small smile spread across his face and he wrapped an arm around you so you were leaning into his chest. You snuggled into your blanket in your sleep until it was pulled up to your chin. Bucky leaned his head down to rest on yours. He watched the movie until he fell asleep too, though it wasn't as peaceful as yours.

 _Pain._

 _That was all he felt. Something was attached to his head, electrocuting him, making him forget. He didn't want to forget. He tried to hold onto what he could remember; rescuing his best friend from fights he couldn't finish because he was too weak to win but too noble not to stand up for what was right, Steve in that stupid spangley outfit leading the Howling Commandos, laughing with his friends…and then…_

 _Bucky struggled to remember what came after that. There was only mind-numbing pain and unrelenting torture. Steve. He hated Steve. Steve had left him there in the snow. Steve was the reason he was here. And Hydra…if he did anything against them it would only get worse. The pain would only grow until it was completely unbearable. What could he do to stop them? They experimented, amputated his arm, replaced it with one made of cold metal, ran tests until he thought he would break. And then they put him on ice, saved him for later like a piece of meat._

Bucky's metal arm shot out from where it had been resting at his side to reach for your neck. You were startled awake and you couldn't breathe, Bucky's cold, metal fingers digging into your skin. You were gasping for air but his grip was too tight.

"Bu-" you let out a strangled gasp "please."

He lifted you by the throat and pinned you against the wall with ease. "What the hell do you want?" he growled at you, his eyes dark and full of hate.

"Sto-" you struggled to finish. "Stop."

His eyes widened for a moment as he took in your face, the arm that was holding you against the wall loosening its grip on you and letting you sink to the floor. He was shaking, staring at the wall and his outstretched hand. He looked horrified by what had just happened. He sank to his knees to kneel in front of you. You were coughing and gasping for air, sucking in big gulps as if you would never get to breathe again.

"Are you okay?" he whispered, trying to disguise the tears that were threatening to fall.

You nodded, your breathing still ragged as you tried to normalize it.

"I-" he paused for a moment, trying to find the words. "I'm so sorry. I never want to hurt you. I care about you, I…I love you. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry."

Your head snapped up and you stared at him with wide eyes. "I love you too, Bucky." you whispered.

"But I'm horrible for you! I could kill you in an instant but you act like that's normal, like it's just how things are! Why the hell do you love me? Why would you want this? Why aren't you running away from me?!" he choked out.

You stayed silent for a moment to make sure he was done. "It is how things are, Buck. You get flashbacks and night terrors. You endured trauma and you survived. It's going to take some time, but the Winter Soldier will get out of your head. I promise. You'll leave him behind."

"If I hurt you…" his voice trailed off. "I can't forgive myself. There's no way for me to know that this won't happen again…or worse. The Winter Soldier can take over and I can't do anything to stop him once he's back in my head. He isn't me. He doesn't care about you or Steve or anyone. He's a murderer and that's something I could never be."

You leaned forward to hug him, wrapping your arms around his neck and pulling him close. Your face was pressed into the crook of his neck. "I know you couldn't do that." you said against his skin. He wrapped his metal arm around your back and used his real arm to tangle his fingers in your hair, holding you closer.

"I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry. I'm not like him." he leaned back and placed his metal hand against your cheek. It was cold but he gently traced circles over your skin, causing you to relax into his movements.

"You're not a killer. You're James Buchannan Barnes. You're gentle and caring and loving. You're everything to me." you said, watching his face intently.

He leaned in so his forehead was resting on yours. "Thank you for not running from me. I need you. I don't know what I would do without you."

He closed the small gap between your lips as he leaned forward and kissed you. His hands roamed upwards so the metallic hand was slipping under the hem of your shirt and around towards your back. His human hand was holding the back of your neck. You tangled one hand in his hair and pulled lightly causing him to let out a low appreciative growl which spurred you on. You tugged at his soft grey t-shirt until he finally assisted you in taking it off. You admired him from where you sat, straddling his hips. Your fingers traced the line between flesh and metal, rough, scarred and crudely done. Bucky froze, eyes wide.

"Are you afraid?" he asked.

"No." you answered, leaning in to place a light kiss over the scarring on his shoulder. "I'm not afraid of you, Bucky."

"He doesn't remember you though. Not like I do. He'll hurt you." Bucky said, his voice cracking at the thought of him hurting you and being powerless to stop it.

"I know you're stronger. You'll beat him. I know you don't want to hurt me."

"Quite the opposite." he gave you a seductive smile.

You felt your cheeks grow hot. "Oh yeah? Why don't you show me, then?"

He scooped you up in his arms and carried you off to his room, leaving his discarded shirt on the floor. You squeaked in protest when he tossed you over his shoulder, giggling and struggling to get free.

"Buckyyyy, put me downnnn!" you whined.

He did put you down. Right in the middle of his bed. And when he crawled up from the foot of the bed to hover over you, the look he gave you made your heart stop. His gaze was almost predatory as he looked down on you.

"Bucky?" you questioned.

"Yeah, doll?" he answered, the deadly, cool assassin face breaking to reveal one of concern.

"Oh. Nothing I just…I was just making sure."

He leaned down to kiss your forehead. "I'm not going to hurt you. You're safe."

You felt bad for still being wary. You knew he didn't want to hurt you, but you knew it was for good reason that you were cautious.

Bucky moved to sit beside you, back leaning against the pillows. He stretched out his arms in an invitation for you to join him. You curled up to his side, laying your head against his chest. The rhythmic beats of his heart calmed you.

"I understand you're afraid of me." he said sadly.

"It's not you, Buck, it's him." you whispered.

"I'm trying. I hate that-" he stopped, his face etched with sadness. "I hate that I can't make you feel safe. I hate that you can't trust me fully. I hate-" his voice broke and you watched as tears ran down his cheeks. "that you're afraid of me."

You leaned in to hug him and felt his arms wrap around you. His head dipped down to rest on your shoulder as you rubbed his back in an effort to soothe him.

"It'll get better. I promise." you whispered.

"Will you stay with me tonight? Please?" he asked.

"Of course."

You leaned back to look at him. His face was tear-streaked and his eyes were red. You brought your hand up to his cheek to brush the tears away. You let your hand slip down so it rested on the side of his neck.

"I love you." he said quietly.

"I love you too, Bucky."

He leaned down to kiss you. The softness and gentleness with which he did it made you believe it would really be ok. The Winter Soldier would be gone and you would have Bucky Barnes as he really was. And he would be yours.

 **A/N: Hey, lovelies! Please review and feel free to PM me with requests or ideas! Favorite and follow for more!**


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